Dealing with Roommates
As I write this it's only a couple of months into the semester, but new roommates at colleges everywhere are already not getting along. And that number mostly includes neurotypicals; people with ASD rooming with neurotypicals have even more areas for potential conflict. How, then, can you best ensure that you aren't among that number? Here are some tips that have proven helpful for my sister (or would have been a good idea in retrospect).
1. Explain
Your roommate can be considered quite knowledgeable if they even know what autism is, let alone the specifics. They're not likely to be understanding, let alone flexible, about accepting your behaviors unless you explain the reasons behind them. You don't have to disclose your autism if you don't want to; you can just pass yourself off as someone who is socially awkward and has, should you have sensory problems, sensory integration dysfunction. Your roommate isn't going to be happy with you turning off the lights all the time, or with you (accidentally) offending them with that joke you made. But with understanding, they're more likely to be accepting of your differences.
2. Predict Problems in Advance
The key to avoiding a fight with your roommate is to avoid doing something that would bother them in the first place. I don't expect you to be a mind-reader or anything, but if there's ever anything that you're not sure your roommate would be okay with, err on the side of caution and don't do it (at least not without asking permission first).
3. Ask Others for Advice
Unfortunately, rule #2 requires a great deal of being able to "step into other people's shoes" and see the world from their perspective. Since I understand that this can be incredibly difficult, you may need help from an outside source. One thing you can try is telling a mutual acquaintance, or even the roommate themselves, about how you perceive the situation and ask if there's anything you could do better in the relationship. The mutual acquaintance may be able to point out some things that you can improve. As for the roommate, they might not tell you what you're doing wrong (they may not even know themselves), but either way they'll feel better for knowing that you cared enough to ask.
4. Don't Be Afraid to Ask for Help
Sometimes problems can get too big for even the most socially gifted person. When that happens to you, don't be afraid to get help. The authorities, whether it be an RA (resident assistant) or students with disabilities services will always be there to help you.
5. Compromise
In-room conduct is not something to be rigid on; you both have to live with each other for at least the full academic year, and compromising on issues can make that year go much more smoothly. Remember, this is your roommate's room, too and just as much a sanctuary for them as it is for you.
6. Apologize
When in doubt, an apology may do more to smooth a situation than you can imagine.* It's particularly effective when done immediately after a mistake, but is appropriate at any point. It shows the other person that you care enough to apologize, which is a big thing, and can help keep your relationship going.
Remember:
Know that, even if you do all these things that doesn't mean everything will turn out the way you want. Just because a roommate situation doesn't work out, though, doesn't mean it's your fault. Roommate issues go both ways and generally both parties share blame. Even if you follow all of this advice, you and your roommate might not get along. That doesn't make you "bad" or weird - if anything, that's a perfectly normal problem. Like I said, plenty of neurotypicals have the same problems, so it's not just you or even necessarily an AS tihng. Just because your first roommate situation doesn't work out doesn't mean that you can't be roommates with anyone; you may just have to find the roommate that's right for you.
Good luck!
1. Explain
Your roommate can be considered quite knowledgeable if they even know what autism is, let alone the specifics. They're not likely to be understanding, let alone flexible, about accepting your behaviors unless you explain the reasons behind them. You don't have to disclose your autism if you don't want to; you can just pass yourself off as someone who is socially awkward and has, should you have sensory problems, sensory integration dysfunction. Your roommate isn't going to be happy with you turning off the lights all the time, or with you (accidentally) offending them with that joke you made. But with understanding, they're more likely to be accepting of your differences.
2. Predict Problems in Advance
The key to avoiding a fight with your roommate is to avoid doing something that would bother them in the first place. I don't expect you to be a mind-reader or anything, but if there's ever anything that you're not sure your roommate would be okay with, err on the side of caution and don't do it (at least not without asking permission first).
3. Ask Others for Advice
Unfortunately, rule #2 requires a great deal of being able to "step into other people's shoes" and see the world from their perspective. Since I understand that this can be incredibly difficult, you may need help from an outside source. One thing you can try is telling a mutual acquaintance, or even the roommate themselves, about how you perceive the situation and ask if there's anything you could do better in the relationship. The mutual acquaintance may be able to point out some things that you can improve. As for the roommate, they might not tell you what you're doing wrong (they may not even know themselves), but either way they'll feel better for knowing that you cared enough to ask.
4. Don't Be Afraid to Ask for Help
Sometimes problems can get too big for even the most socially gifted person. When that happens to you, don't be afraid to get help. The authorities, whether it be an RA (resident assistant) or students with disabilities services will always be there to help you.
5. Compromise
In-room conduct is not something to be rigid on; you both have to live with each other for at least the full academic year, and compromising on issues can make that year go much more smoothly. Remember, this is your roommate's room, too and just as much a sanctuary for them as it is for you.
6. Apologize
When in doubt, an apology may do more to smooth a situation than you can imagine.* It's particularly effective when done immediately after a mistake, but is appropriate at any point. It shows the other person that you care enough to apologize, which is a big thing, and can help keep your relationship going.
Remember:
Know that, even if you do all these things that doesn't mean everything will turn out the way you want. Just because a roommate situation doesn't work out, though, doesn't mean it's your fault. Roommate issues go both ways and generally both parties share blame. Even if you follow all of this advice, you and your roommate might not get along. That doesn't make you "bad" or weird - if anything, that's a perfectly normal problem. Like I said, plenty of neurotypicals have the same problems, so it's not just you or even necessarily an AS tihng. Just because your first roommate situation doesn't work out doesn't mean that you can't be roommates with anyone; you may just have to find the roommate that's right for you.
Good luck!
Further Resources
Debate on a Wrong Planet thread about disclosing diagnosis to roommate (to this day, I still have no idea if it was harmful or helpful for my sister to tell her roommate): College Roommate-- Bringing up Asperger's
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*This particular tidbit of advice comes from a book I highly recommend, Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships by Temple Grandin and Sean Barron, specifically from page 225. It's a very insightful and worthwhile book to understanding social rules; it may prove even more insightful, however, when helping others understand your difficulty with them.
