How to Help: Guidelines for Interaction
If you've made it this far, not only coming to the website, but also reading Autism Explained and The Stigma of Autism, you probably want to do something to help your friend. The question is, what can you do to help and be a good friend? Here are a few suggestions from personal experience.
1. Be clear when you're communicating
Using hints, tone of voice, body language and delicate ways of phrasing things are all tools that we're accustomed to using to smooth relationships and avoid conflict with others, while getting our point across. It requires a bit of reading between the lines, but it's nothing beyond the average person's skills. However, with someone on the autism spectrum, if you require reading between the lines, you may as well not be saying anything at all. A clear statement, with no additional hedging, is what is needed to communicate well with someone on the autism spectrum. Be clear, without being mean. Sound difficult? Here's an example of how easy it can be! "Hey, please don't turn the thermostat below 70 when I'm in the room. You can have it whatever temperature you want when I'm not here, but while I'm in the room please don't have it below 70." Note that this short sentence laid a clear framework for the topic being discussed, without being mean. Don't be afraid to repeat yourself (and rephrase or explain) if need be.
2. Be understanding
As you may have picked up on in the Bullying article, your friend may accidentally offend you and others on accident. People with ASD tend to be quite blunt, which can also be interpreted as being mean, even though that is not the intention. Your friend is also unlikely to realize they offended you. It's up to you to be understanding about a mistake, if it occurs, and try to take it in the spirit it was intended.
3. Speak up!
Just because you're understanding doesn't mean you can't tell your friend about what they did wrong in that situation or how it made you feel. In fact, I strongly recommend it. Your friend with ASD can't do anything to improve a situation (and may accidentally make it worse) if they don't know it exists. Speak up and nicely, but clearly, tell them! Not only will you feel better for not bottling up your feelings, but as long as you're not mean about it, your friend with ASD will actually be able to learn from the experience as a result. It's a win-win.
What not to do:
Many people after learning about autism's social deficits choose to jump immediately into teaching their friends what they're doing wrong in social situations. I, too, am guilty of this. That said, many people with autism may have trouble distinguishing between their actions being perceived as bad and they themselves being perceived as bad.* So if you do choose to do this (which can be helpful), make sure your friend's okay with you doing so. Even if you do proceed, try to emphasize that the actions, rather than the person, are bad for that situation and also say the things your friend is doing right in a situation.
4. Admit what you don't know
Presumably, you only just now started learning about autism - you can't be expected to understand everything that goes along with autism in a short while. What you can do, however, is make an effort. In a world where people barely know what autism is, your effort is greatly appreciated. Each person who learns about autism helps make a more autism friendly world. That said, thinking that you understand autism is a very dangerous trap indeed. For example, you may ask yourself why a friend with ASD wears a heavy leather jacket and boots all the time.** It looks weird that they're wearing it in 90 degree weather, and having to be warm doesn't go along with anything about autism you (or I, for that matter) have ever heard of, so there must be another reason. In reality, though, the jacket and boots may have to do with autism-related sensory needs or another factor you haven't predicted. Because of situations like this I recommend that when it comes to symptoms related to autism, give your friend the benefit of the doubt.
I've been with my sister on a pretty constant basis for eighteen years now, volunteered with people with autism, and read countless books on the subject and still didn't know much about autism until my sister came to college and I did research for this website. And the most important thing I've learned from this experience is how little I know. Admitting when you don't know something opens you up to learn more, which is why I recommend it so much.
5. Stand up against bullying
This was already discussed to a degree in the Bullying article, but it bears emphasizing. As I'm sure you're aware, in our society the word different can be loosely translated as being bad. We target such people for bullying, as a way of "correcting" their differences. And, while it does get better, bullying does not stop in college. It just is expressed in more socially acceptable ways. So, if you and I were to see someone punching a guy with obvious Down's Syndrome, while shouting "You @#$%ing retard!" we would look at that and know right away that was bullying, that it was wrong, and that it should be stopped. But bullying cases are rarely that clear-cut, especially in college. Are ostracization and gossip really bullying? The answer is yes, by the way. Failure to condemn bullying only encourages and feeds it; speak up and take a stand against bullying whenever you see it, no matter in what form.
6. Be a true friend
As hard as it is to believe, your friend with ASD may never have had a true friend. They may have had people who tolerated them, but there's a big difference between someone who deals with your presence (the way one tolerates a cute puppy that chews up your shoes but doesn't mean any harm), and someone who enjoys it. By being a friend, you're already meeting a huge need. In short, the most important thing that you can do is simply be there.
Thank you for being a friend.
1. Be clear when you're communicating
Using hints, tone of voice, body language and delicate ways of phrasing things are all tools that we're accustomed to using to smooth relationships and avoid conflict with others, while getting our point across. It requires a bit of reading between the lines, but it's nothing beyond the average person's skills. However, with someone on the autism spectrum, if you require reading between the lines, you may as well not be saying anything at all. A clear statement, with no additional hedging, is what is needed to communicate well with someone on the autism spectrum. Be clear, without being mean. Sound difficult? Here's an example of how easy it can be! "Hey, please don't turn the thermostat below 70 when I'm in the room. You can have it whatever temperature you want when I'm not here, but while I'm in the room please don't have it below 70." Note that this short sentence laid a clear framework for the topic being discussed, without being mean. Don't be afraid to repeat yourself (and rephrase or explain) if need be.
2. Be understanding
As you may have picked up on in the Bullying article, your friend may accidentally offend you and others on accident. People with ASD tend to be quite blunt, which can also be interpreted as being mean, even though that is not the intention. Your friend is also unlikely to realize they offended you. It's up to you to be understanding about a mistake, if it occurs, and try to take it in the spirit it was intended.
3. Speak up!
Just because you're understanding doesn't mean you can't tell your friend about what they did wrong in that situation or how it made you feel. In fact, I strongly recommend it. Your friend with ASD can't do anything to improve a situation (and may accidentally make it worse) if they don't know it exists. Speak up and nicely, but clearly, tell them! Not only will you feel better for not bottling up your feelings, but as long as you're not mean about it, your friend with ASD will actually be able to learn from the experience as a result. It's a win-win.
What not to do:
Many people after learning about autism's social deficits choose to jump immediately into teaching their friends what they're doing wrong in social situations. I, too, am guilty of this. That said, many people with autism may have trouble distinguishing between their actions being perceived as bad and they themselves being perceived as bad.* So if you do choose to do this (which can be helpful), make sure your friend's okay with you doing so. Even if you do proceed, try to emphasize that the actions, rather than the person, are bad for that situation and also say the things your friend is doing right in a situation.
4. Admit what you don't know
Presumably, you only just now started learning about autism - you can't be expected to understand everything that goes along with autism in a short while. What you can do, however, is make an effort. In a world where people barely know what autism is, your effort is greatly appreciated. Each person who learns about autism helps make a more autism friendly world. That said, thinking that you understand autism is a very dangerous trap indeed. For example, you may ask yourself why a friend with ASD wears a heavy leather jacket and boots all the time.** It looks weird that they're wearing it in 90 degree weather, and having to be warm doesn't go along with anything about autism you (or I, for that matter) have ever heard of, so there must be another reason. In reality, though, the jacket and boots may have to do with autism-related sensory needs or another factor you haven't predicted. Because of situations like this I recommend that when it comes to symptoms related to autism, give your friend the benefit of the doubt.
I've been with my sister on a pretty constant basis for eighteen years now, volunteered with people with autism, and read countless books on the subject and still didn't know much about autism until my sister came to college and I did research for this website. And the most important thing I've learned from this experience is how little I know. Admitting when you don't know something opens you up to learn more, which is why I recommend it so much.
5. Stand up against bullying
This was already discussed to a degree in the Bullying article, but it bears emphasizing. As I'm sure you're aware, in our society the word different can be loosely translated as being bad. We target such people for bullying, as a way of "correcting" their differences. And, while it does get better, bullying does not stop in college. It just is expressed in more socially acceptable ways. So, if you and I were to see someone punching a guy with obvious Down's Syndrome, while shouting "You @#$%ing retard!" we would look at that and know right away that was bullying, that it was wrong, and that it should be stopped. But bullying cases are rarely that clear-cut, especially in college. Are ostracization and gossip really bullying? The answer is yes, by the way. Failure to condemn bullying only encourages and feeds it; speak up and take a stand against bullying whenever you see it, no matter in what form.
6. Be a true friend
As hard as it is to believe, your friend with ASD may never have had a true friend. They may have had people who tolerated them, but there's a big difference between someone who deals with your presence (the way one tolerates a cute puppy that chews up your shoes but doesn't mean any harm), and someone who enjoys it. By being a friend, you're already meeting a huge need. In short, the most important thing that you can do is simply be there.
Thank you for being a friend.
* I realized this was an issue after reading The Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships: Decoding Social Mysteries Through the Unique Perspectives of Autism by Sean Barron and Temple Grandin.
**I got the idea for this example from Songs of the Gorilla Nation: My Journey Through Autism by Dawn Prince-Hughes. Another great book that I highly recommend.
***Before you ask, yes, I did get my sister's permission to publish this and every other reference to her in the website.
**I got the idea for this example from Songs of the Gorilla Nation: My Journey Through Autism by Dawn Prince-Hughes. Another great book that I highly recommend.
***Before you ask, yes, I did get my sister's permission to publish this and every other reference to her in the website.
